So technically I came out to my mother a couple of days ago, but she won't know that until Monday. I wrote her a little letter explaining things about my gender identity and stuff to her. but she is out of town right now so she won't see it until Monday when she gets back. I kind of makes me nervous to think about since I couldn't take it back if I wanted to cause I'd have to drive 3+ hours just to get back to her house. It's not like I want to take any of it back, cause its all true, but not having the option is just nerve wracking even though I know she's supportive.
My gender journey has been a long and confusing one. It started back in 7th grade for me when I finally put my foot down about the type of clothes I wanted, or didn't want to wear, and my mother kind of supported me with that...ish. Then in 8th grade I really started to think about my identity and sexuality in general, and while I had a better understanding of my sexuality, my gender was just not something I could accurately pin down. Before the year was over I had basically already given up. Getting to High School changed things a little. At my middle school I was technically outed, which I was alright with at the time; now maybe have some more complicated thoughts on it but wouldn't change it regardless, but High School felt like a whole different beast. It's hard just on its own, but I wasn't trying to make it harder for myself. For me, it seemed like being gender subversive was only okay if you were cool or attractive. I remember this one upperclassman and he wore this gorgeous makeup everyday and no one said a word to him, but my friend L (who's full name I won't be sharing) was constantly seen as weird cause his deadname was still called in roll, even thought he preferred a different name.
Shocker to no one, I didn't have everything figured out in High School, but my senior year I was convinced that I was going to come out to my mom and go to college having already started my transition. That would have been ideal, but that's not what ended up happening. I couldn't find the perfect words, or the right time, and I just never told her, or anyone. After that I had convinced myself, like every other time I questioned, that it wasn't that serious, that since I didn't feel "dysphoric" all the time constantly that I must not be trans at all.
Here's something funny that is probably not, I would constantly think of myself as not relating at all to my assigned gender at birth, fantasize about getting on hormones and surgery and all the other stuff, and still refused to believe I was trans. Like WTF? Saying it now seems kind of stupid, but so was the whole denial of it all in the first place. I had it set in my mind that since I had never told anyone else, since I wasn't giving people my preferred name, since I hadn't started hormones that I couldn't be trans at all. Which seems so dumb in hindsight but it was what I believed was true, and I never once watched Kalvin Garrah! So I have no idea where this belief system came from.
Something I also find funny is the concept of "Dysphoria". It's thankfully something that I'm not really familiar with all to much. I've had my moments, but they were few and very far in between, so I was also a reason I didn't consider myself to be trans at first. I haven't really had any problems with my sex characteristics, the only problem I've had with my body is my weight. The parts I'm working with didn't matter as much, but what other people thought of them did. In fact, most of the problems I've had with gender and coming out have been other people and their thoughts and assumptions, not my own. I've never really been dysphoric because I haven't cared about what I think of my body and how it "doesn't align" with that I feel, if I feel any type of way at all. Most of my experience has been with Gender Euphoria instead, putting a filter on my face to see what it would look like, dressing a certain way, someone mistaking me once for the other side.
I'm still a little scared of what the future will hold for me with my transition and eventual coming out to more people in my life. I've already started using my preferred name in public where I volunteer and am now playing the waiting game with my mother(even if she doesn't know it yet). I'm still young, and there is still a whole month of blogs ahead of me, so we'll see how this one pans out.
live, laugh, love