When I came out for the first time in 7th grade, it wasn't the end of my questioning. In fact, it was only the start of a long, long journey of trying to learn about myself. My sexuality kind of seemed like everything was on easy mode, since I was somewhere on the Aroace spectrum for all of it,(even if I didn't know it) it seemed more inconsequential cause it wasn't like I was dating anyone anyway(and when I did, it just helped cement my Aroace status). Gender was this all encompassing threat on the horizon that I didn't know how to come to terms with. I've kept a journal for a while, I don't write consistently - only when i'm at my true lowest is when I find myself staring at those lined pages - but there seemed to be a steady theme with the things I seemed to vent about. 1. Some sort of neurodivergent problem, 2. Anxiety about college and The Future, and finally 3. My gender. I still feel this dread about it now as I write. I'm not even using gendered language myself because I want nothing to do with it, I don't want it anywhere near my person. Yesterday I was just going to get food and it happened(getting called a gendered word when I spent so long looking in the mirror before I left my apartment) and it sort of bothered me, not fully since I've, thankfully, not had the full gender dysphoria experience, mostly just euphoria.
I told my 7th grade best friend that I was questioning my gender on Trans Day of Visibility, my mother read the letter where I told her I was trans on August 3rd of this year, and those are really my only experiences with coming out in that way. Coming out is not really something I have experience with, I've always let outing or just plain assumptions do all the heavy lifting for me. But when it comes to gender, unfortunately its more personal, at least to others. Some people see it as this huge change that they aren't expecting (except for my mother of course) and it can be insulting to not be told of this huge change in someone you love's life. To me, if I haven't done a good enough job of feeding your assumptions, telling you quietly, then I just don't know how to approach that kind of topic with you.
For example, I haven't told any of my friends, but one of my closest friends in particular, I really don't want anything to change between us but I know it will. We are close, not only friendship wise but also physically(before you say anything, she's straight, and I'm aroace and very affectionate because of it) and I know that transitioning will change things between us because she's a cis straight church girl and she won't see me the same, even though I don't feel that I'm changing at all really, or at least in any important way. One day I wrote in my journal that after I came out as bi(outdated) that it was weird that nothing changed, but that won't apply to transitioning."Things have to change, that's literally the point" was something along the lines of what I wrote.
I remember writing a letter to myself in 7th grade that I unfortunately cannot find, regarding my gender. Saying that even if I knew or thought a certain way now, that since it's not constant, that it's bound to change so I shouldn't change anything permanently. I still think that this was the right thing at the time, however it constantly kept coming back. For a long time I would be fine with how I was, then suddenly it would feel like I was in Drag, acting as an outsider, an impersonator.
My mom texted me after she read my coming out letter and she said, "I have known this version of you for years and have been waiting for you to be able to share it with me." Part of me doesn't believe it, the times we went clothes shopping, eyes still wet as I left the changing room, part of me knows she was wondering if(when) this was going to happen for a long time, when she found out I was following trans infographic instagram profiles in middle school after she told me I was only allowed to follow people I know, when she found out I was queer, the different haircuts and the wandering about the opposite gender side of the clothing store.
I know that I'm very lucky to have such supportive people in my life, but it just feels like such a disservice to them that I don't have it all figured out, that there is still a part of me that doubts, that wants nothing to change, and to go back to the cycle fine to Rupaul to fine again. But there is only so many times that I can look to the future and say "It will all be over by then" while still not making any progress toward it myself. The present is the hardest part, but I have my mom by my side, as well as all the other supportive people in my life who I haven't come out to yet. Here's to coming out, again and again, til the future comes.
living, laughing, and constantly loving,