>about lyer

Blogust 11th

So... I technically failed blogust, but not really cause I was never really taking it that seriously in the first place, except when I was. It has been busy and not busy, but it is kind of hard to write everyday, especially when I forget until 11:30pm and think "oh shit i forgot about the blog post" and then scramble to find something to talk about that does't take that much though or preparation. I mean, I've had days which I wrote two posts in one day, one for the current day, and one for the previous that I missed. I obviously wasn't making a huge priority of it, even if I wanted it to look like it was. I was also tracking my word count, which was the wrong move cause it just discouraged me when I saw that with every post it was going down, but not every blog post can be 1,700+ words about my journey coming out. So yeah, I was kind of setting myself up to fail.

I just need to take myself less seriously when it comes to these. I'm not going to come up with substack level think pieces everyday, so I need to stop expecting myself to. I also have this class that I've been stressing myself out over that will finally be over this Saturday, but I'm immediatly flying to New York to be with my older sibling for the week right after so I don't even know if I'll be able to post everyday there, since I'm not sure if I'll bring my computer, but if I don't I'll probably just write it down and post it when I get back. After that Fall classes, but I'm not that worried about it since it will only be the first week, I'll find some time. I'll get myself together eventually.

Blogust 8th

Tomorrow is Clear The Shelter day at the Animal shelter I volunteer at and it is all hands on deck! I signed up for the evening shift so I won't be there until a couple of hours before they close, so hopefully a bunch of dogs are adopted by then. I wanted to share some pictures of my favorites though before that happens.

First off we have Bigfoot! He really lives up to his namesake because he is really fucking big. He is the definition of a gentle giant though, just a total sweetheart. Right now he is in foster, but when I would take him out for walks he would get really excited once he got out of his kennel and just jump around. He loves being pet and just hanging out, and is very friendly with other dogs as well.

Second is my girl Maggie! She is an absolute sweetheart once she gets to know you, although that won't take long. She is very shy and doesn't like being around other dogs, except she puts up with her brother Biggie who is in the kennel next door. Sadly she moved up in behavior level and because I'm a new volunteer I can't walk her anymore. When I was able to walk her all she wanted to do was cuddle. I have videos where she would just climb up into my lap and not move. I still visit her every time I'm as the shelter though because she is housed right next to our last dog.

MANGO!!! This girl is not very photogenic, but she is the absolute sweetest!! I was at the shelter one of the first days she got here and she was so incredibly defensive and shy, to the point where she didn't want to leave her kennel. She didn't have a name when I first met her and the only other name option that was given at the time was Lasagna(girl what) and I just couldn't let them do my girl like that, but the only name that came to mind for me was Mango, so I'm the one that named her!!! I don't know much about her life before the shelter, but she was definitely a momma dog at some point. When I tried taking her out for a walk the first day, she refused to leave her kennel, so I just sat with her and pet her in her kennel. I was doing this for a couple of days before she got sick and had to go to the quarantine kennels. Once she was well enough to go out I started to take her out again and it was like she was a whole different dog! She is much more social with people now and I'm able to take her on long walks around the shelter campus and I'm so proud of her for getting out of her shell! She has my entire heart!!!

Blogust 7th

Localscriptman was a YouTuber whose main focus was about making videos on the creative process behind writing. Creating characters and story lines, understanding personality and motivations, and just practical advise for the screen-writing industry, all with the help of MSPaint stick figure drawings. He was a YouTuber who I watched a lot and kept up to date with, until recently. Something happened behind the scenes and suddenly this creative writer is suddenly an AI dickrider, spewing a bunch of hateful talking points, and moving out of LA because the movie industry "doesn't accept" people like him(I can't remember his exact words here, and I'm not in the mood to fact check those hateful videos).

His content was very well researched dives into story work and character work, but his latest videos after he's come back are minute long rants in his car about how the movie industry is going to shit because he saw one movie that was bad(It was the new F1 movie). He also made a video about the new Superman movie with an AI generated thumbnail, complete with complaining about how the dialogue was bad, the movie didn't make sense, and how children won't like it. All of those points being complete bullshit from someone who has lost the plot entirely aside, I genuinely feel really bad for the guy.

There's is not any trusted sources on his actual well being that I'm aware of, but it seems like he had some sort of rejection from the industry he has spent years trying to break into, and is now on some sort of downward spiral. All of his content that I've been able to stomach watching just seem like manic rantings. I am genuinely concerned for his health, mental and physical. It's quite hard watching someone in that sort of headspace, which is why I haven't watched any of his content since, but there is a small of me that wants to see a video on my feed that just says "Hey guys sorry about that, I was in a bad place mentally" and then continue on with whatever he was doing before. I don't even care if he stops making videos all together, as long as he's in a better place, that's all I want.

Blogust 6th

When I came out for the first time in 7th grade, it wasn't the end of my questioning. In fact, it was only the start of a long, long journey of trying to learn about myself. My sexuality kind of seemed like everything was on easy mode, since I was somewhere on the Aroace spectrum for all of it,(even if I didn't know it) it seemed more inconsequential cause it wasn't like I was dating anyone anyway(and when I did, it just helped cement my Aroace status). Gender was this all encompassing threat on the horizon that I didn't know how to come to terms with. I've kept a journal for a while, I don't write consistently - only when i'm at my true lowest is when I find myself staring at those lined pages - but there seemed to be a steady theme with the things I seemed to vent about. 1. Some sort of neurodivergent problem, 2. Anxiety about college and The Future, and finally 3. My gender. I still feel this dread about it now as I write. I'm not even using gendered language myself because I want nothing to do with it, I don't want it anywhere near my person. Yesterday I was just going to get food and it happened(getting called a gendered word when I spent so long looking in the mirror before I left my apartment) and it sort of bothered me, not fully since I've, thankfully, not had the full gender dysphoria experience, mostly just euphoria.

I told my 7th grade best friend that I was questioning my gender on Trans Day of Visibility, my mother read the letter where I told her I was trans on August 3rd of this year, and those are really my only experiences with coming out in that way. Coming out is not really something I have experience with, I've always let outing or just plain assumptions do all the heavy lifting for me. But when it comes to gender, unfortunately its more personal, at least to others. Some people see it as this huge change that they aren't expecting (except for my mother of course) and it can be insulting to not be told of this huge change in someone you love's life. To me, if I haven't done a good enough job of feeding your assumptions, telling you quietly, then I just don't know how to approach that kind of topic with you.

For example, I haven't told any of my friends, but one of my closest friends in particular, I really don't want anything to change between us but I know it will. We are close, not only friendship wise but also physically(before you say anything, she's straight, and I'm aroace and very affectionate because of it) and I know that transitioning will change things between us because she's a cis straight church girl and she won't see me the same, even though I don't feel that I'm changing at all really, or at least in any important way. One day I wrote in my journal that after I came out as bi(outdated) that it was weird that nothing changed, but that won't apply to transitioning."Things have to change, that's literally the point" was something along the lines of what I wrote.

I remember writing a letter to myself in 7th grade that I unfortunately cannot find, regarding my gender. Saying that even if I knew or thought a certain way now, that since it's not constant, that it's bound to change so I shouldn't change anything permanently. I still think that this was the right thing at the time, however it constantly kept coming back. For a long time I would be fine with how I was, then suddenly it would feel like I was in Drag, acting as an outsider, an impersonator.

My mom texted me after she read my coming out letter and she said, "I have known this version of you for years and have been waiting for you to be able to share it with me." Part of me doesn't believe it, the times we went clothes shopping, eyes still wet as I left the changing room, part of me knows she was wondering if(when) this was going to happen for a long time, when she found out I was following trans infographic instagram profiles in middle school after she told me I was only allowed to follow people I know, when she found out I was queer, the different haircuts and the wandering about the opposite gender side of the clothing store.

I know that I'm very lucky to have such supportive people in my life, but it just feels like such a disservice to them that I don't have it all figured out, that there is still a part of me that doubts, that wants nothing to change, and to go back to the cycle fine to Rupaul to fine again. But there is only so many times that I can look to the future and say "It will all be over by then" while still not making any progress toward it myself. The present is the hardest part, but I have my mom by my side, as well as all the other supportive people in my life who I haven't come out to yet. Here's to coming out, again and again, til the future comes.

Blogust 5th

I just finished watching The Penguin and EWWWWWW!!!!! I loved it- AND HATED IT, but that part was intentional. That mother fucking SCUMBAG! I was truly devistated and grossed out in the best possible ways. This show was just beautiful front to back. The show was so great at making me love and hate the right people at the right time. I think the best parts of the show were when Sophia was onscreen, but like how could I not?(SHE'S SO HOT)

I am really interested on how(if) this universe is going to coincide with the new Superman(2025) movie. It feels like such different worlds that I don't even know how they could exist inside the same universe. I mean, we've gotten a lot more screen time currently with the world of The Batman because of this show, but Gotham and this universe just seems so gritty in comparison to Metropolis, which I get is literally the point, but the two cities are supposed to be just across the bay from each other and that just feels like such a fucking stretch. Also this Gotham has to be wayyy before Superman comes into the fold, so it's probable that Gotham gets better? It feels weird to say that- I know - but I keep trying to imagine SuperSweat and Battinson in the same movie and it just seems kind of laughable at the moment. It's going to be a bitch and a half to make that make sense and I can't wait to see where they take that.

SPOILER TIME

VICTOR! HOW THEY MASSACRED MY BOY!!! Although Sophie was objectively the best character to watch the backstory of, NONE OF THE PLOT WOULD'VE HAPPENED WITHOUT MY BOY! I think that Francis was also up there with best character to watch stir shit up. When she SPAT on Sophia's face, I was aghast, and her ending(or lack of) LITERALLY ENDED ME. Also I loved Eve, she absolutly did nothing wrong, she's just a girl in a rough spot! She'll queen her way out I promise. Also I can't believe that Sophia didn't see that ending coming, like girl, you go and gas your whole family, leave a witness, then burn the whole place to the ground, and think "Oh I'm leaving the country it won't matter", like girl. Listen I know the corruption is that bad, like they made a point of that in the show, but when it happened, I knew that Oz was laughing his fucking ass off. I can't wait for the next batman movie!

Blogust 4th

The days I spend in my apartment during the summer are plentiful. I have not many friends who have stuck around for the summer and even if they have, I have not contacted them in awhile. My friend actually texted me the other night asking me to come over to her apartment and kill a spider, which like, no, but I said I would. However, she found someone else who was willing to kill it first and complained TO ME about how I HAVE BEEN FAILING HER!!! My deepest apologies ma'am, I wasn't aware you affection was a race that I was LOSING!

I've been spending my days trying to ignore my classwork that has been piling up. Tonight I almost fell asleep while watching recorded lectures that I had to finish by midnight, until I realized I had a SECOND HOUR LONG LECTURE I had to watch, and I can only speed it up to 1.5x, not even 2x. I have also been victim to youtube tiktok compilations which feed my addiction to social media. I still have my daily time limit of 20 minutes a day for all social medias that I use up almost instantly and then fall down the youtube compilation rabbit hole, so I am truly doing nothing to help myself out.

My summer would truly be sad if I didn't make a point to get out of the apartment once a day. Every night I have been volunteering at my local animal shelter to walk dogs. It's been nice, and I meet a lot of nice people there, but they are all old enough to be my parents, or in some cases, grandparents, so there's that. I met one girl my age there like 3 weeks ago and haven't seen her since, and I go like every night, but part of the problem is that I go at night, so yeah. Tonight though I was with this one volunteer(who I now recall, never gave me her name) asked if I would help her take out this sick dog pairs, and I said yes, however I did not expect that this would mean I would leave the shelter a 9:05 PM!!! She would talk a lot an not really say anything, just talk in circles and keep repeating herself, and explaining things I already knew, even if I am a new volunteer, doesn't mean I'm stupid. I was tired as fuck when I left and then I had to shower cause I smelt like wet dog and mulch, and then watch lectures that I almost fell asleep to, and then write this. Just let me sleep!!!

AND TOMORROW I HAVE TO WRITE MY 2 ESSAYS FOR MY EXAM!!!

Blogust 3rd

Today is the day I officially came out to my mother, so I wanted to explore every single other time I've come out to people as different things over the course of my life.

The first time I ever came out to someone was in 7th grade on February 14th, 2019 to my best friend at the time. We were both in middle school band class together and for some reason that morning I decided that today was the day. It was a very spontaneous decision to come out, and the only real reason I considered it was because I knew that I would remember the date of when I first came out if it was already an important date, hence Valentines day. It is very ironic though considering I came out as AroAce in the form of a love poem "roses are red, violets are blue", not the exact words but I won't be sharing what I actually wrote cause it was cringe. I put the note in her band locker along with a stuffed animal and some candy. I tried to also do this with "Love interest #1" who I'll explain more about VERY soon, placing an identical note and candy, but someone stole the candy and probably threw away the note so it didn't work.

Coming out for the first time was a type of joy/nervous/excitement that I had never felt before. I remember happily sending my friend gay memes after because I finally could, being open in a way I had never been with another person, although in hindsight I wish it had been someone else, preferably "Love Interest #1" cause it could helped so much heartbreak later on.

The second time I came out to someone was through instagram dm's, and it was very awkward... I hadn't come out to anyone else at the time, and the best friend I first came out to and I had drifted apart naturally. She apparently stirred a lot of shit with other people, but never did with me to which I'm grateful. I had met this guy who transferred 8th grade and we hit it off as friends really well. By this time I was spending a lot of time with "Love Interest #1" and probably considered us best friends. The guy and I had been dming over insta, just random stuff like talking about video games and the like, when he said he had something to tell me, that he had a crush on me. Now surprisingly this is not the only man who has ever had a crush on me, but so far the only one who has outright told me about it. I was panicking and I didn't want to lose my friend so I just told him the partial truth, that I was Gay. Now if I knew what I did now back then, I would have explained the whole thing and not just summarized with "gay" since the next thing he did was immediately go to "Love Interest #1", who was by best friend at the time, to see if it was true and I wasn't just saying it to "Let him down easy". Now in retrospect this thought process makes sense to me, however, I still hadn't come out to "Love Interest #1" so this was news to them as well.

Basically, this man outed me to my best friend, but honestly I have never been good with words or coming out in person, so this was kind of my ideal situation in which I didn't have to do the work, but this led to other problems down the line. First I would like to state that sexuality is fluid so this is entirely possible, but when "Love Interest #1" asked me what was up the next day on the bus, I told them I was a Lesbian. I was experimenting with my feelings toward other and decided I was to young to know whether I was AroAce because I had never had experience with either romantic or sexual relationships, so I let that decision happen at a later time and decided I liked women more then men at the time, hence Lesbian. So I told that to "Love Interest #1" and I forgot what they said but it was probably along the lines of "Cool" or some shit like that. I also remember that after I came out to the 7th grade best friend, they kept calling me a lesbian, even though that is not what I came out as. It kind of struck me as weird, but I never said anything about it directly since we naturally drifted after that.

Looking back, I was the first out gay person that I knew at my middle school, but not fully by choice since I think my 7th grade best friend might have told some people cause I kept hearing different things like "Did [Lyer] make it official yet?" from people I didn't come out to, some of these being texts to the first best friend. But I really didn't care, I wanted to be out and not have to tell anyone, and I technically got what I wanted. Now I was the only out person I knew at school, but the first time someone came out to me was my older sibling. We have a 6 year age difference and they came out around the same age as me, so I grew up with someone like me to look up to, although I would never admit this to them, cause their ego is already fucking massive and doesn't need the help.

Anyway, I came out to "Love Interest #1" as a lesbian, not AroAce, and this caused problems(sort of). First, I did kind of have a small semblance of a crush on "Love Interest #1", however looking back it was more of a "Squish"/"Alterous attraction" sort of situation that I was not equipped to deal with at the time, seeing as I denied myself the right to be AroAce. We were kind of dancing around each other for a bit, doing all the gross "middle schooler with a crush" things like being touchy and having awkward conversations with each other. "Love Interest #1" came out to me as Asexual Biromantic, and the ball started rolling. Remember the guy I came out to? Well he was also friends with the love interest and started playing wing-man for them. I didn't really realize this at the time, but looking back the texts saying "So what do think of Love Interest? You ever thought about the two of you?" were a dead fucking give away. The ball finally rolls into the gutter when Love Interest finally confesses first, and I confess as well, and this is where I'm still confused about what happened, because no relationship came of it. We didn't magically start dating after confessing, and I was fine with that, (more than fine probably, cause even if I didn't know it, I was still AROace) but it was still confusing on where we stood, because we still had feelings, we just didn't act on them(or I didn't).

I continued on as a lesbian until my Junior year of high school I think? Not sure of an exact date, but this is the first time I came out to my mother as something, even though she knew WAY BEFORE I told her. I also did this in the worst way possible. Again I still couldn't use my words, but with my new found pride, I wanted to share with the world and what better way than with a pride flag, so I ordered one on amazon. All my orders had to be approved by my mother so she instantly saw what I was trying to buy. I knew this, of course, and she texted me to ask about it. I don't remember what she said, but I knew she would love me no matter what. To everyone else, I technically came out on instagram as Bi since I put the colored hearts in my bio.

This went on until I somehow got a boyfriend my Senior year of high school. Now all of this happened really fast so there is not a huge story here, but this guy from band that we'll call J asked me if he could join my homecoming group since his group was filled with couples and he was the only single one, and my group was all going as friends with no dates, so I asked my friends and they said sure. Since I was the one he asked, and since he didn't have his license, I picked him up and drove him. We stuck by each other the whole time and he was fun to be around. We went to IHop after and he paid for my food since I was driving him. We played Valorant together since we both liked it and he asked me out on a date for the next day, and of course we never said it was an official date, but we went to go get food, went to the aquarium, then to gamestop to buy a new pokemon card for my phone case, in that order so it was definitely a date. And to be fair to him it was a good one, and because of that I decided to kiss him on the cheek after I dropped him off. The next day we made it official and we started our month and a half long relationship, my longest one to date! After I dropped him off and was driving away, I remember thinking, "Hmm, I think kisses are supposed to make you have butterflies or something, idk maybe a sort of CRUSH on the person you kissed, instead of emptiness?", and of course I ignored this feeling and went ahead with the relationship. MISTAKE! Why the fuck would I do that? I remember writing in my journal after I broke up with him "You are AroAce, NEVER FORGET THAT AGAIN!!" and I never have since!!!

This specific post focused mostly on my sexuality, but on a different post I want to talk specifically about my experiences with gender, since that is a completely different can of worms. But toodles for now!

Blogust 2nd, 2026

Today was HTML Day(!) and I went to a local meetup to do some coding and meet other html-ers in the Austin Area! This is the website I ended up finishing in the hour and a half that we had to code before sharing out sites. I'm going to go back and change somethings and make it all polished for an actual shrine, but that was all I could do in that amount of time. I met some amazing people and I'll link their websites here as well.

I was also exposed to gif cities for the first time and I am about to become an absolute MENACE to the online society. Beware... I'm currently writing this so I don't have to look at my school work, cause my exam opens in two days and PLEASE DON'T MAKE ME!!! I still haven't gotten my grade from my last one yet so who knows if I'll even pass the class, since it's only THREE TESTS and no other grades...fml. Thoughts and prayers y'all I'm gonna need them.

• Light
• Fripp
• Aiden
• HTML Austin

A screenshot I took while coding that cracked me up

Blogust 1st

So technically I came out to my mother a couple of days ago, but she won't know that until Monday. I wrote her a little letter explaining things about my gender identity and stuff to her. but she is out of town right now so she won't see it until Monday when she gets back. I kind of makes me nervous to think about since I couldn't take it back if I wanted to cause I'd have to drive 3+ hours just to get back to her house. It's not like I want to take any of it back, cause its all true, but not having the option is just nerve wracking even though I know she's supportive.

My gender journey has been a long and confusing one. It started back in 7th grade for me when I finally put my foot down about the type of clothes I wanted, or didn't want to wear, and my mother kind of supported me with that...ish. Then in 8th grade I really started to think about my identity and sexuality in general, and while I had a better understanding of my sexuality, my gender was just not something I could accurately pin down. Before the year was over I had basically already given up. Getting to High School changed things a little. At my middle school I was technically outed, which I was alright with at the time; now maybe have some more complicated thoughts on it but wouldn't change it regardless, but High School felt like a whole different beast. It's hard just on its own, but I wasn't trying to make it harder for myself. For me, it seemed like being gender subversive was only okay if you were cool or attractive. I remember this one upperclassman and he wore this gorgeous makeup everyday and no one said a word to him, but my friend L (who's full name I won't be sharing) was constantly seen as weird cause his deadname was still called in roll, even thought he preferred a different name.

Shocker to no one, I didn't have everything figured out in High School, but my senior year I was convinced that I was going to come out to my mom and go to college having already started my transition. That would have been ideal, but that's not what ended up happening. I couldn't find the perfect words, or the right time, and I just never told her, or anyone. After that I had convinced myself, like every other time I questioned, that it wasn't that serious, that since I didn't feel "dysphoric" all the time constantly that I must not be trans at all.

Here's something funny that is probably not, I would constantly think of myself as not relating at all to my assigned gender at birth, fantasize about getting on hormones and surgery and all the other stuff, and still refused to believe I was trans. Like WTF? Saying it now seems kind of stupid, but so was the whole denial of it all in the first place. I had it set in my mind that since I had never told anyone else, since I wasn't giving people my preferred name, since I hadn't started hormones that I couldn't be trans at all. Which seems so dumb in hindsight but it was what I believed was true, and I never once watched Kalvin Garrah! So I have no idea where this belief system came from.

Something I also find funny is the concept of "Dysphoria". It's thankfully something that I'm not really familiar with all to much. I've had my moments, but they were few and very far in between, so I was also a reason I didn't consider myself to be trans at first. I haven't really had any problems with my sex characteristics, the only problem I've had with my body is my weight. The parts I'm working with didn't matter as much, but what other people thought of them did. In fact, most of the problems I've had with gender and coming out have been other people and their thoughts and assumptions, not my own. I've never really been dysphoric because I haven't cared about what I think of my body and how it "doesn't align" with that I feel, if I feel any type of way at all. Most of my experience has been with Gender Euphoria instead, putting a filter on my face to see what it would look like, dressing a certain way, someone mistaking me once for the other side.

I'm still a little scared of what the future will hold for me with my transition and eventual coming out to more people in my life. I've already started using my preferred name in public where I volunteer and am now playing the waiting game with my mother(even if she doesn't know it yet). I'm still young, and there is still a whole month of blogs ahead of me, so we'll see how this one pans out.